Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why Won't You Die....Mike?

Haven't done one of these in a while, and truth be told I don't really tend to dwell on candidates for these posts. I like to throw a movie on, and let the characters inspire me. Some I had in mind when I first started doing these, others have come along since or I've been reminded of since. Case in point, Mike from The Blair Witch Project. I normally watch this one again around the month of October, but this year it slipped from the rotation, and I ended up just recently watching it. While you could in fact argue that the entirety of the cast is annoying as hell, you would have one hell of a hard time convincing me that even the combined annoyance of the other two even so much as hold a candle to Mike.

Mike, the doughy, sporadically body haired, super whiny sound guy from the little film school project in the middle of the woods. This fat bastard did absolutely NOTHING but complain from the beginning. Hell, he even started complaining before they got lost in the woods! The fuck man? Nobody twisted your cellulitis coated food shoveler into coming. When they do get lost? This dickhead decided that since he couldn't read the map, nobody could, and kicked it into the river. I don't give a shit how lost I am, if there's a map of the area, and you kick it in the river, prepare to be drowned in said river.

I absolutely hated this guy from the very first time I saw the movie in the theater. Going in, of course, we all knew that all three of them were going to die, but Mike just couldn't go fast enough for me. Just the very sight of him annoys me. I hate the stupid, smug look on his face when he initially begins complaining, and I especially hate that he basically has that same look on his face when he's supposed to be terrified for his life.

While I do enjoy watching him standing in the corner at the very end, waiting his turn, as the second most annoying person in the film, Heather, shrieks his name over, and over, and over, and over like some sort of mutant offspring spawned from a pterodactyl/banshee mating session, falls victim to the witch, I can't help but feel cheated that I didn't get to witness Mike's demise. Inference simply isn't enough for a character as annoying as this fat fuck.

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