Top 5 Evil Organizations You Can Sign Me Up For
5. Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil) - How cool are these guys? Bio experiments creating all kinds of fucked up monsters and shit, even at times going so far as to turn themselves into nearly indestructible walking death machines. The Tyrant, Nemesis, Lickers, Hunters, and the list goes on and on. I already work in the medical field, with the right benefits package, the Umbrella Corporation is only the logical step in my career path. Just call me Mister Wesker.
4. Cobra (GI Joe) - Whether you're a supporter of Destro, that douchebag Serpentor, or the supreme badass Cobra Commander, one thing you gotta admit is that it's MUCH better to be a Cobra than a Joe. What a collection of lame-asses those guys are. Even if I don't get my own cool code name and specialty like Storm Shadow or Major Bludd, I'm still down to be a Viper or Crimson Guardsman, hell I'll even take Techno-Viper if it means I'm not Footloose or Quick Kick.
3. Helghast (Killzone) - For my number three pick, I have to admit I'm being completely shallow. This one is ALL about that uniform. How sick would I look rocking one of those? Dude. I'm not sure exactly what age you get to enlist on Helghan, but I'm thinking I would be one of those guys who lied about their age to get in early. In fact, as I'm sitting here typing this I'm wondering if maybe I couldn't actually find a replica somewhere online. I would never take it off.
2. Decepticons (Transformers) - Tell me ONE thing that isn't named "Optimus Prime" that makes being an Autobot more badass than a Decepticon? You can't. Better logo, better shit to transform into, and a complete and total lack of concern about the puny humans who get in the way of their quest to acquire the precious energon needed to return back to Cybertron and straight up run shit. That's the kind of thinking I can get on board with. I even know what I would transform into, a jet black Range Rover equipped with missiles, mini guns, tactical nukes, and a never ending supply of Jolly Ranchers. The name "Rangimus Rovertron" would only be spoken in frightened whispers by trembling Autobots all over the galaxy. All hail Megatron!
1. Empire (Star Wars) - Yeah, ok which side are YOU gonna choose? The galactic Empire with all the cool ships and vehicles, repping the Dark Side of the Force, throwing lightning all over the place and choking bitches from across the room with our thumbs and index fingers....OR a ragtag bunch of "rebels" who can push shit across the room and makeout with their sisters? Thought so. Whether I'm a Storm Trooper or a Sith Lord, I'm Dark Side for life. Still undecided? Let me help make your mind up for you...
Welcome to the Dark Side.
There you go, my top favorite evil organizations. A few quick honorable mention shout-outs for the Cobra Kai, Marvel's undead ninja badasses The Hand, Spaceballs, the Pyramid Head worshiping Order from Silent Hill, Hail Hydra!, and last but most certainly not least...LOS LOCOS! Major props to anyone other than my brother who gets that last reference. All hail Megatron! For Helghan! Strike first, strike hard, no mercy sir! COOOOOBBBBRRRRAAAA!!!!!