Why Won't You Die...Paul?

It's been a while since we visited one of cinema's most deplorable wastes of screen time, eh? Let's talk a little about Paul from Snakes on a Plane today. For a flick about hostile snakes wreaking havoc, you wouldn't think the most annoying thing on board the flight would end up being a passenger. Paul does the unthinkable though, and achieves just that. This gigantic douche nozzle is one of those guys with entitlement issues. He's full of helpful things like "I demand..." and "You owe me...", and he spews his bullshit regardless of the situation. The plane is full of snakes that are biting the shit out of everybody bro, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

Up, he does eventually shut the fuck, as he's crushed to death and half eaten by the biggest snake on the plane, and enormous boa constrictor. I tell you no lie when I say that this, and watching his legs dangling out of the boa as it is thrown from the plane when the windows are shot out, is the most satisfying part of the entire movie, surpassing even Troy's miraculous landing at the end. Peace out, Paul... you trouser snake.

Why Won't You Die....Mike?

Haven't done one of these in a while, and truth be told I don't really tend to dwell on candidates for these posts. I like to throw a movie on, and let the characters inspire me. Some I had in mind when I first started doing these, others have come along since or I've been reminded of since. Case in point, Mike from The Blair Witch Project. I normally watch this one again around the month of October, but this year it slipped from the rotation, and I ended up just recently watching it. While you could in fact argue that the entirety of the cast is annoying as hell, you would have one hell of a hard time convincing me that even the combined annoyance of the other two even so much as hold a candle to Mike.

Mike, the doughy, sporadically body haired, super whiny sound guy from the little film school project in the middle of the woods. This fat bastard did absolutely NOTHING but complain from the beginning. Hell, he even started complaining before they got lost in the woods! The fuck man? Nobody twisted your cellulitis coated food shoveler into coming. When they do get lost? This dickhead decided that since he couldn't read the map, nobody could, and kicked it into the river. I don't give a shit how lost I am, if there's a map of the area, and you kick it in the river, prepare to be drowned in said river.

I absolutely hated this guy from the very first time I saw the movie in the theater. Going in, of course, we all knew that all three of them were going to die, but Mike just couldn't go fast enough for me. Just the very sight of him annoys me. I hate the stupid, smug look on his face when he initially begins complaining, and I especially hate that he basically has that same look on his face when he's supposed to be terrified for his life.

While I do enjoy watching him standing in the corner at the very end, waiting his turn, as the second most annoying person in the film, Heather, shrieks his name over, and over, and over, and over like some sort of mutant offspring spawned from a pterodactyl/banshee mating session, falls victim to the witch, I can't help but feel cheated that I didn't get to witness Mike's demise. Inference simply isn't enough for a character as annoying as this fat fuck.

Why Won't You Die...Nokes?

You know, I've done a few of these now, and I can honestly say that I've not written about a single character that turns my stomach the way this son of a bitch does. Not even the original inspiration behind these posts, Mrs. Carmody  from The Mist, makes me as physically angry as Wilkinson Correctional Facility for Boys guard Sean Nokes does.

Not content with simply being the bully that I assume most of the asshole guards in a place like this would be, Nokes puts in overtime on being an abusive prick. Throughout Sleepers we get to witness him not only physically and mentally abuse the boys, but also sexually abuse them as well. Naturally, being as I'm a farily good human being for the most part, this kind of shit makes me absolutely sick. Every time I watch the flick, I hate him even more than I did the last time. People like Nokes don't deserve to live, and thankfully he doesn't survive the movie.

It's a bit of a bittersweet resolution when the boys finally do get their revenge, as it's been years and they're all grown-ups, which means that motherfucker Nokes basically got away with what he was doing for years before finally getting his at the business end of a gun held by one of the boys he abused. At least it looked painful though, shot first in the balls, then in several other places before the final headshot. One death just isn't enough for a twisted fuck like Nokes, I wish they could've killed him twice. Burn in hell, you sick bastard!

Why Won't You Die...Commodus?

What a little bitch. That's the only way to accurately describe Gladiator's loathsome Commodus. Even his father knew what a little bitch of a son he had, and had plans to give his throne to General Maximus "bad mother effer" Meridius. Of course when Commodus finds out about it, he takes it upon himself to ensure that it never happens by murdering his own father. Douche move, bro. He proceeds to claim the throne of Rome for himself, and being the scared little bitch that he is, instead of facing Marcus, he orders that he and his family be killed.

Of course his plan fails, and Marcus ends up fighting in the arena, under the moniker of Gladiator. In yet another bitch move, Commodus is initially impressed by the Gladiator but ultimately jealous of his popularity with "his" people. The look on his face when he discovers that the Gladiator is none other than Marcus is priceless. He basically wets his jerkin. What a pussy. Infuriated that Marcus has survived, Commodus decides to put himself into the arena against him, in a fight to the death. Oh yes, you are about to die horribly you little bastard, and I can't wait.

Die he does, but not before one final act of little bitchery, before the fight, he visits a bound and shackled Marcus, and shanks him in the hopes that it will tip the fight in his favor and make an easy victim of the Gladiator. Turns out Marcus is just a little bit tougher than Commodus thought though, and there has absolutely never been a more satisfying knife sliding slowly into a throat in cinematic history. Choke on your own blood, Commodus, you miserable little shit!

Why Won't You Die...Percy?

Prison guard Percy Wetmore comes closer to my "Mrs. Carmody-level hatred" of a movie character than just about anybody else. Mrs. Carmody sets the hate-bar high, but Percy is right up there with her. For starters, I hate spoiled rotten little bastards like this who get off on being a dick just because he's lived an over-privileged life, in this case his being the nephew of the governor. Top that off with the fact that he's nothing but a bully, and he's got that slightly sadistic "likes to torture animals" thing going on, and you've got yourself a recipe for loathing from the very first time he's on the screen.

I could sit here and list all the heinous shit this guy does throughout The Green Mile, but honestly that might take all night. There is not one single redeeming thing about this guy. So let's hit the highlights, as stated he's a bully, and nobody gets it worse than poor Del. I wanted so badly for Del to get some kind of revenge on Percy, but as we know, sadly he never gets the chance. Percy even goes so far as to sabotage Del's execution by not wetting the sponge for the top of his head, which caused him to catch fire during his execution and die agonizingly. And Percy can't even bear to watch what he's done, the pussy actually turns away from the horrific sight. Before the execution though, he commits what is probably one of the cruelest things I have ever witnessed anyone do to another person (and that's saying something, I've seen A Serbian Film), he steps on and kills Del's only friend in the world, his pet mouse Mr. Jingles. Percy, you son of a bitch, you have got to die. Painfully.

Of course he doesn't technically die in the movie, which is why I hesitated initially to do a Percy post, but he does get his and in a pretty bad way. I don't know anybody who doesn't cheer when John Coffey gives Percy the warden's wife's cancerous brain tumor. Enjoy your brain cancer Percy, you despicable bastard.

Why Won't You Die...Carter?

As if being played by Paul Reiser isn't bad enough, Carter Burke is the absolute epitome of lying, backstabbing, greedy corporate scum. Sure, it probably wasn't his idea to double-cross Ripley and an entire platoon of space marines, whom he had duped into believing his intention for returning to LV-426 was to investigate what happened to the colony there which had gone silent, when in actuality he was ordered to catch a Xenomorph alive and bring it back with him. But even if all he was doing was carrying out orders from the higher-ups, he didn't have to be such a little bitch about it.

When the plan starts looking like it's not going to work, this douche even goes so far as to release a face-hugger in Ripley and Newt's sleeping quarters while they're catching some z's. Not cool man. As if that wasn't bad enough, even though he'd basically gotten almost everyone involved killed, he probably still would've survived if not for the fact that he was such a pussy. When the marines realize what he was up to, before they can administer the ass-whipping of a lifetime, there's a Xenomorph attack, during which bitch-boy Carter makes an exit through the back door, locking it behind him and trapping the marines, Newt, and Ripley inside with the aliens. Thankfully, as he turns around he's greeted with the business end of a Xenomorph tongue, and the red stuff splatters against the door he thought he was escaping from. Poetic justice if I've ever heard it. Let's all hope this bitch is french kissing Xenomorphs in Hell.

Why Won't You Die...Trent?

Seriously, what the fuck is it with guys in movies named Trent? Must they all be douchebags? Another Friday the 13th film (sorta) and yet another Trent that's just begging to end up on the business end of a machete. This time though, it's personal.

I've made no secret of the fact that I harbor just a little bit of a crush on miss Katharine Isabelle. I have since Ginger Snaps. Well, good old high school jock dickhead Trent here just happens to be her abusive boyfriend in Freddy vs Jason. He's nothing but a dick to her from the moment he crashes the party at Lori's house with his 12 pack of cheap beer. It even continues after they make a retreat upstairs to the bedroom to get it on. It's here the he meets his demise, courtesy of Jason's aforementioned machete, but not even death can stop this fucker. He appears one more time, during Gibb's dream sequence at the rave and ultimately leads to her getting stabbed through the chest. He got Katharine Isabelle killed! This motherfucker is done.

As stated he does die, and it's a quite satisfyingly painful looking demise, but fuck if he doesn't show back up. If ever anybody deserved to die twice, it's this guy. Unfortunately, we only get the one time though, and I always enjoy watching as Jason repeatedly stabs him through his back with the machete before folding the mattress in half, with Trent along with it. I can only hope it was as painful as it looked. Go to hell Trent, and take your cheap beer with you!

Why Won't You Die...David?

Man this guy is just ALL kinds of annoying. He breaks the Bro-Code, he's a negative nelly, and he does little other than bitch and complain throughout the entirety of Shaun of the Dead. He gets on my nerves right off the bat and just never lets up. Even when he has a chance to somewhat redeem himself, or admit to being wrong about Shaun, he STILL acts like a dick.

Aside from all the bitching, whining, and second-guessing of Shaun's every move, what REALLY annoys me is that it's painfully obvious to everybody that David is after Shaun's girlfriend, Liz. Nevermind the fact that he's already got a girlfriend of his own, Dianne, and she's WAY hotter than Liz. It seems that David is just one of those dude's who wants what he can't have and is never satisfied. I fucking hate that shit. He's always there, ready to point out Shaun's every shortcoming to Liz, like a little guy dressed in a devil suit sitting on her shoulder. Even when Shaun attempts to get his shit together, saving Liz and the others from the zombie horde, he is still there to bring him down. It's nothing short of a blatant Bro-Code violation, cock blocking in the first degree, which a pretty serious offense and is punishable by death.

Luckily for us, there's a large group of zombies waiting outside the Winchester ready to carry out David's death sentence. Seriously, there is nothing between you and hundreds of flesh eating zombies except a pane of glass, and you're going to stand right by the window? Yeah you deserve every bit of that being torn to shreds, dude. The best part? Liz doesn't even appear to be all that upset. Turns out you weren't as "in there" as you hoped you were, douche. Burn in Hell, David, nobody even cares that you're zombie chow.

Why Won't You Die...Trent?

Ah, frat boys. They've always been a staple of horror films, particularly the slasher genre. While they're almost always a nuisance, they also tend to add a bit of comic relief as they're portrayed as bumbling, brain dead idiots who almost always meet a particularly humorous and untimely demise. Let's be honest here, the people who are writing/directing/producing these movies, not to mention the usual target audience, probably have had to deal with some degree of ridicule or even bullying from the alpha males in their respective high schools growing up. To be able to mock and ultimately kill off characters like these has got to be therapeutic to some degree.

Enter Trent, the uber-douchebag from Friday the 13th 2009. Not content to simply conform to the jock meathead mold of picking on the meak, he even goes so far as to act like a complete tool to the friends he's apparently invited to his parent's lake house simply to show it off. This guy seriously had the douchebag-o-meter way into the red. He didn't really start to push my buttons until he committed two sins though. First, he was a complete and total dick to Sam Winchester, who was only in town because his younger sister was missing and he was handing out fliers in the hopes that somebody had seen her. You do NOT disrespect a Winchester, son. Secondly, he banged the chick with the nicest boobs on planet Earth, even though he had what I assumed was his perfectly hot girlfriend already there at the cabin with him. Not only did he bang her, but then he let her get killed by Jason. Not cool, bro. Sorry but you gotta go.

And just as with most teenagers in a Friday the 13th film, go he does. Not as painfully as I'd hoped, but it's always fun to watch Jason run his machete through his chest before sticking his body on the back of the tow truck as it speeds away. As much as I enjoy that though, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get more enjoyment out of hearing Trent scream like a little bitch when the Sheriff's body crashes through the windshield of the patrol car he's sitting in. Trent, just die already bro.

Why Won't You Die...Capitan Vidal?

Back for another installment of the newest segment here in the Batcave, Why Won't You Die? Just as before, this post will contain plot spoilers. If you haven't seen Pan's Labryinth, and don't want anything spoiled for you, then stop reading now. For those of us who have, let us revel in our hatred of Capitan Vidal!

This guy got my blood boiling as the merciless, fascist prick Captain of the Spanish army in Pan's Labyrinth. Not only does he capture and torture rebels, he even terrorizes little girls for no apparent reason. Bastard. Honestly though, it wasn't until he needlessly and brutally murdered the farmers who had been out rabbit hunting that I really began to hate this guy. Then he went and threw Ofelia's mandrake root in the fire! That root didn't do anything to him, plus it was the only thing keeping her mother alive. Where he really crosses the line is when he does something so heinous, so unforgivable, so despicable, that even Francisco Franco would've been like "Dude!". He shoots Ofelia and kills her. Oh, this son of a bitch has got to go.

And go he does, though not in nearly as painful a manner as I would've liked. I was hoping the Faun might get his goat leg having, creepy clawed hands on him, maybe feed him to that creepy fucker with the eyeballs in his hands or something. Yeah that would've been great, and a most certainly deserved demise. Still, dead is dead, and I always enjoy watching Mercedes' brother, Pedro, shoot him in his ugly face. Burn in Hell, Capitan Vidal! If anybody deserves it, you do.

Why Won't You Die...Mrs. Carmody?

A brand new segment here in the Batcave! A while back I had an idea for a "death of the week" post where I would pick a favorite death scene every week and post about it. Well, the week I had planned to roll out the first post, J. Astro of Screen Grab! fame began his wonderful "People Who Died" posts, and thinking it might be a bit too similar and look like I was stepping on the proverbial toes of Mr. Astro, I decided not to go through with it.

It's been a while now, and I've had another idea, in the same vein but with more of a purpose. Instead of posting a random death scene, I'm removing the "random" part and posting about a character that I hated so much that I couldn't wait for them to get theirs. Note that I don't wish any harm to come upon the actors/actresses who played these characters, just the characters themselves. The point was to make me hate these people, and I give full credit to the actors and actresses who were skilled enough to make that happen. Being that I don't want to do any major spoiling, I'll be sticking with slightly older stuff as much as possible. This should be fun, and I hate lots of people, so I have plenty of ammunition to work with.

Boy nothing gets me all riled up and hate filled like a bunch of Jesus freaks. These "holier than though" Jesus juice drinkers get under my skin with a quickness. Their incessant preaching, misinterpreted spewing of scripture, and constant threats of God almighty himself bringing the pain "Old Testament" style down upon the heads of all the other sinners, unless of course they join their cause, is like nails on a chalkboard for me. Enter Mrs. Carmody from The Mist.

The survivors end up having way more to fear from Mrs. Carmody than they ever would anything else in the mist. At first she seems like just any other religious kook, and while she annoyed me she didn't really bother me much. Eventually she becomes more and more of a nuisance with all her talk of the Lord and his wrathful vengeance and such, and begins to convert the other survivors over to her side. This is when she began to get under my skin. When her lunacy led to her group throwing private Jessup outside to the creatures in the mist, this bitch had to go. Thankfully when she's attempting to have David's son and Amanda used as human sacrifices to God, Mrs. Carmody finally gets what's been coming to her from the business end of Ollie's pistol. Truly the shot heard around my house as I cheer out loud every time I watch this scene. Sure, I would rather one of the creatures outside gotten her, but dead is dead I guess. Burn in Hell, Mrs. Carmody!