Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Why Won't You Die...Paul?

It's been a while since we visited one of cinema's most deplorable wastes of screen time, eh? Let's talk a little about Paul from Snakes on a Plane today. For a flick about hostile snakes wreaking havoc, you wouldn't think the most annoying thing on board the flight would end up being a passenger. Paul does the unthinkable though, and achieves just that. This gigantic douche nozzle is one of those guys with entitlement issues. He's full of helpful things like "I demand..." and "You owe me...", and he spews his bullshit regardless of the situation. The plane is full of snakes that are biting the shit out of everybody bro, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

Up, he does eventually shut the fuck, as he's crushed to death and half eaten by the biggest snake on the plane, and enormous boa constrictor. I tell you no lie when I say that this, and watching his legs dangling out of the boa as it is thrown from the plane when the windows are shot out, is the most satisfying part of the entire movie, surpassing even Troy's miraculous landing at the end. Peace out, Paul... you trouser snake.

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