Friday, April 30, 2010

Mister Bones' Top 5

Getting ready for the new Nightmare on Elm Street tonight in case you haven't noticed. Freddy has been terrorizing me since childhood, thanks to Phil Phil, and I fully intend to pass this particular brand of psychological torture along to my own children. Here are my picks for the top 5 ways to insure that your kids never sleep comfortably again!

Top 5 A Nightmare on Elm Street Films

5. Freddy's Revenge - Without a doubt the oddest of the bunch. The weirdness is what I dig about it though, Jesse's struggle with Freddy is definitely unlike anybody else's in the series. The pool party scene is the main attraction for me here, but there's other stuff to like as well. Freddy clawing his way out from inside Jesse, the infamous "you've got the body, I've got the brains" line, and who could forget the gym teacher/s&m enthusiast who gets pelted with tennis balls and beaten with jump ropes before getting sliced up? Weirdness I tells ya, but still better than the Dream Master.

4. Wes Craven's New Nightmare - This one I can honestly say I don't fall in line with the rest of the horror-loving world out there. I like it, but I don't love it. Freddy wears leather pants people. LEATHER PANTS. I dig the trench coat though. My two main gripes with this movie are minor nitpicks, but they annoy me nonetheless, first the kid, Nancy's kid annoys the shit out of me and goes a long way toward ruining the whole movie, and the other thing is Freddy's "glove" hand, I don't like the bone/flesh/claws combo, and the fifth claw just looks "off" to me. But I don't want to sound all negative, there's also plenty that I like here, and the concept is definitely cool, REALLY dig the talk show scene with Robert, and of course the funeral scene which takes the creepy level off the charts. Again, better than the Dream Master.

3. The Dream Child - How do you revive the franchise after an almost Joel Schumaker-esque debacle like the Dream Master? By giving fans one of the best in the series of course! The Dream Child is full of things to love, great nightmare scenes, deaths, Freddy still funny but in a much darker way, and a comic book guy. Super Freddy anybody? Great stuff. I also like the idea of using Alice's baby dreaming in the womb to allow Freddy to return, genius! Also worth noting is that Alice names the baby Jacob, and I just happen to know a Jacob of my own....don't tell his mother!

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street - Wes Craven's original and the one that introduced us all to Freddy. Elm Street is considered one of horror's most honored films, and for good reason. This movie absolutely scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. There are so many great scenes that it would be impossible to list them all here, and we all know them by heart anyway. Plus it's also the movie that introduced the world to Johnny Depp, and I think we all owe it a debt of gratitude for that, yes? I bought the blu-ray of this that just recently got released and it was almost like seeing it again for the first time, absolutely beautiful, and Tina's death scene in hd? *Shudder* The Dream Master's name shouldn't even be mentioned in the same breath as this original masterpiece.

1. The Dream Warriors - Ohhh the nightmares this movie gave me. You want to scar your children for life? Show them Phillip's death scene. Jesus this movie is just quality from start to finish. Easily the best nightmare sequences in the series, easily the best deaths in the series, and Freddy's animated skeleton vs a dude with a shovel! Plus snake-Freddy, "welcome to prime-time bitch", carving the message into Joey, and Patricia Arquette's debut! This one is also Freddy at his best in my opinion, he's funny but not at the expense of being terrifying. The jokes definitely take a back seat, Freddy is exactly the way I like him here. No blu-ray yet, but you best believe I'll be adding it to my library as soon as it does get released. Dream Master is the "Batman and Robin" to Dream Warriors "Dark Knight".

There ya go, the top 5 strolls down Elm Street. Anybody spot the pattern in there? I will probably be returning tomorrow for one more Freddy post as I'll undoubtedly have something to say about the new one, and then I promise I'll move on to something else. Until then, happy Elm Streeting everybody.

No comments: