The Last Exorcism

Before getting into this, be warned that this particular blog post will be filled with spoilers for The Last Exorcism, so if you foolishly harbor any notion of watching this sad excuse for entertainment yourself, you might want to stop here.

For those still with me, see that poster above? Cool right? I think so too. Only problem being nothing even remotely resembling that image occurs in this "mock-doc". I remember seeing the trailer for TLE, and getting all worked up because it looked like The Exorcist meets The Blair Witch Project, and I happen to love both of those movies. How cool would it be to witness The Exorcist from the perspective of somebody that was in the room holding a camcorder? Awesome!

The Last Exorcism begins with your typical meet and greet with the principle characters, just like Blair Witch, you get the setup and everything is going smoothly until they arrive at their destination. This is where TLE goes so very wrong. You promise me a demon possessed little girl, an exorcism, and give me the idea that this will be the guy performing the exorcism's "last" and my mind just starts to play out these horrific scenarios, any number of which would've been better than what I witnessed in this movie. Oh, there's an exorcism all right. Only there's just two things, one the priest is just putting on a show, complete with fake demon sounds, and other such smoke and mirrors, and two, this girl isn't possessed in the first place.

Turns out the good reverend Cotton Marcus ( or Professor Lasky  if you prefer, as I do) is basically just a con man, charging a handsome amount of money to "exorcise the demons" from uneducated bible belters such as the Sweetzer clan down in Louisiana. As it turns out, little Nell isn't possessed by a demon at all, she's just pregnant, and has had some sort of psychological break as a result of it. And of course Pappy Sweetzer refuses to believe any of this nonsense, what with him being all hopped up on the Jesus juice and all. The devil done took his daughter, that's for sure, and if the reverend can't fix her, then his trusty double barrel will. Because really, that's the way the Lord would want it.

Of course at some point along the way the movie completely loses all sense of direction, and goes for a Blair Witchy twist at the end, but I'm being perfectly honest when I tell you that I have absolutely no idea what happened. Between the nonsense that I was watching on the screen, and the brief glimpses we were given of the goings on due to the camera man's apparent epileptic seizures that kicked in during the last 10 minutes of filming, I couldn't tell exactly what I was watching. It appeared to me that the town was full of Satanists, who were going to sacrifice Nell and Daddy Sweetzer for some reason, and her asshole brother was in on it? At the risk of sounding like a complete moron to any of you who have seen this, and understood the ending perfectly, I won't be saying any more than that.

So, to summarize, good start, huh?, HUH?, the fuck?, credits. The Last Exorcism was a monumental letdown. Maybe if I hadn't been led to believe that this was a mash up of The Exorcist and Blair Witch by, oh I don't know, EVERY single trailer, poster, tv spot, online ad, etc., I would've gone a little easier on it. But when I sit down and invest time and money into something thinking it's going to be one thing, and it turns out to be another, and this other thing sucks, then I get angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You reading this Laskey?!