Classic Cereal Confrontation

Shirt.woot continues to disappoint, and Teefury continues on it's quest to dominate my bank account. 

Rated M for Mature

Wow I've bought a lot of games lately that I can't play in front of the kids. I'm admittedly pretty lenient when it comes to the violence and such that my kids see in games. There's a line of course, but things like Halo or even Call of Duty I don't keep from them. Kids have played with toy guns forever, and I really don't see any major difference. When it comes to something like Gears of War or Dead Space though, where blood  and limbs are flying and heads are being torn off, that's too much.

Before I had kids of my own, I'd never really spent any time around kids, so every lesson I've learned I pretty much learned the hard way. Violent video games is no exception. The previously mentioned Gears of War for instance may represent the most shining example of my not thinking too far ahead when my 4 year old son would be glued to the screen while I played. At that time he was going to a pre-k program at a local elementary school, one of these deals where they "prepare" your kid for what school will be like by putting him in school, only instead of school work, they color and play with blocks. I was picking him up one afternoon, and his teacher walked him out to the truck like she always did, but instead of just helping him into his seat and walking back for the next kid, she made her way around the truck to my window. At this point, I'm thinking, "Oh shit, he bit another kid or stabbed somebody in the neck with one of those giant pencils or something", so she looks at me and says "I overheard Jacob telling a story to several of the other children this morning, and amongst other things he mentioned something about chainsawing somebody's face off". I of course immediately knew where he had gotten it from, and I sank down in my seat in shame just a little. If you've never had to explain what a chainsaw bayonet is to a woman in her mid-forties who spends most of her days in charge of a large group of small children, let me tell you, it's not a good time. The look she was giving me by the end made me feel like I was in her class right along with my kid. I'm just thankful he didn't say anything about the curb stomping, because as awkward as the "chainsaw bayonet" explanation was, I don't even want to think about attempting to tell this woman about a curb stomp and why I thought that was ok for my kid to see.

Clearly, I'm by no means a perfect parent, but I do learn from my mistakes and at least make an attempt not to repeat them. Case in point, and the reason for this particular post, lately these "M" rated games are really earning their rating! I had once again become a bit lax as to what I was playing when the kids were around, as mostly I was going through some actioners from Gamefly that I never deemed purchase worthy, some movie tie-in crap and the like, nothing that I thought they shouldn't watch, and then Red Dead Redemption found it's way into my PS3. Now, I know it was rated mature, and I know it was a Rock Star game and there's no way in hell I would ever let my kids see or play a Grand Theft Auto game, but I thought maybe RDR wouldn't be too much, especially if I kept the subtitles turned on, and the mute button handy for cut scenes. In all honesty, save for a couple of scenes that thankfully they weren't around for, it wasn't too bad. My daughter is only 2, so she was way more interested in the "woah-woahs" than anything else anyway (woah-woah's being what she calls horses, and she got that from the fact that when people on television who are riding horses want said horses to stop, they say "woah"). Jacob on the other hand, fell in love with the game, wanted to be a cowboy, would wear his cowboy had and put his iron on his hip and the whole nine whenever I would play. I thought it was cute, and didn't see any harm in it. But then I got to the end of the game, and I'm being perfectly honest when I tell you that I NEVER saw what happens coming. In retrospect I guess I should have, but for whatever reason I didn't. And when it happened, I was on the couch, with my son standing next to me with his mouth hanging wide open. I lunged for the remote and turned the tv off as fast as I could, but it was too late. Needless to say I haven't played it in front of them since.

Since then I've bought several other mature rated games, because of course everything that's awesome is full of blood, gore, and foul language, even hockey but thankfully they leave that part out of the video games. Now instead of rushing home to play right away, I'm putting them down and waiting until 9 o'clock before I can turn on the Xbox or Playstation. I want to play Dead Rising 2, Dead Rising Case West, Dead Space 2, Killzone 3, Fallout New Vegas, and Bulletstorm, but instead I'm watching a heavy rotation of Santa Paws, Because of Winn Dixie, iCarly, Spongebob, and Go Diego, Go on most days. This is obviously what the life of a gaming parent is like, especially one who enjoys the kind of games that I like, and I'm in no way complaining. My kids are my number one priority, and are basically the reason that I keep on keeping on. I suppose I wrote all of this as a little reminder to myself, and maybe even a little head's up to anyone who might stumble upon this rant who might be a parent themselves on day, that the little rating down in the corner on the cover of your game is probably there for a reason. And while you may think it's awesome that your kid can quote every line of dialogue in Silent Hill 2 (and if so,  I totally agree he or she is AWESOME), the forty year old woman who has to deal with an entire room full of other awesome children on a daily basis probably doesn't think so, and will totally walk over to your car and make you feel stupid.

Love that Joker

From Knight and Squire #5

Movie Night - Alexandre Aja Mini-Marathon

So far these little solo movie nights have been a hit! In fact for the most part I'm even able to stay awake, which is a feat I'm sad to report I wasn't able to accomplish the last time I had a friend over for a movie night. What can I say? I'm old, always tired, and Inception is incredibly hard to follow if you're drifting in and out of consciousness.

Hoping tonight will continue along in the successful vein of recent movie nights such as the Hatchet HD double-feature and the Valentines Day Massacre, as in honor of my acquisition of Piranha on dvd, I'll be watching it again, along with some of Alexandre Aja's other fine work. Gonna inject a little culture as France invades the Batcave on movie night!

What better way to start off an Aja mini-marathon that with the movie that put his name on the map? Of course I happen to be one of those horror snobs who thoroughly enjoys answering the question of whether or not I've seen Hight Tension with a snooty "No, but I have seen Haute Tension". Absolutely love the brutality, gore, and of course titular tension of this movie. The twist ending, which I'll admittedly say I didn't see coming, didn't exactly "wow" me, but it definitely doesn't ruin the rest of the movie either. Been a couple years since I've seen this one, so am looking forward to revisiting it.

Next up, my newest addition to the dvd collection, Piranha. If you're son inclined you can read all about what I thought of it here. It's most definitely different than any of his other work, but that's part of what I love about it. There's simply no other way to make a movie about prehistoric killer piranha attacking a bunch of kids at the beach than to just pile on the gore, add in gratuitous nudity, and turn the fun up to 11. I viewed it as an homage to the good old days of 80's horror, and I absolutely love Alexandre Aja for it.










And finally, time permitting, I'll give his other "re-imagining" of a classic horror franchise, The Hills Have Eyes,  another watch. This one I may lose horror nerd points for, but I honestly think I prefer this version to Wes Craven's original. Aja's version pays homage to Craven's but also stands on it's own. I don't know what it is exactly, but I just love the overall look of this movie. The mutants are definitely the main sell here obviously, but what really gets me pumped is when Doug realizes his baby has been stolen and he mans the fuck up and goes after her. That shit had me yelling at my television. I don't watch The Hills Have Eyes for super-mutant cannibals, deformed by nuclear weapon testing in the 60's, I watch it for DOUG.






Dammit my Doug rant always gets me fired up. I might even have to move Hills up to first and watch Haute Tension last. It's having to make tough decisions like these that make my dvd collection absolutely fucking awesome. Expect these "movie night" posts to become a regular thing here at the blog by the way, they're fun to write, and I already have lots of ideas for future viewing combos. Until next time!

Random Screen Grab

A REAL American Hero

So here's the Captain America trailer that ran during the Superbowl, only with a slightly different tone...

Bulletstorm!

Gonna be grabbing dudes with my grappling hook arm thingie and slow-mo kicking them in the balls this evening on Xbox Live if anyone would care to join me!

Infinite Playlist - Enter the Ninja

Directions:

1. Skip ahead to 1:20

2. Laugh hysterically

3. Thank your lucky stars that I'm here to call your attention to such absurdity

I'd Buy THAT for a Dollar!

Happy Birthday Jacob!

Happy 7th Birthday Kiddo!

Dead Island teaser

Ok, so even if the game ends up totally sucking, which based on the developers previous work may in fact end up being the case, there's no denying that this is a pretty darn badass teaser.

Birthday Shenanigans

Another year older, and deeper in debt...but that didn't stop my birthday from being awesome! Despite my overall contempt of my fellow man, and general grumpiness, and lonerish tendencies, I still somehow find myself surrounded by some genuinely awesome and caring people. They are able to see past all my snark and smart-assiness and love me despite all my flaws. I thought I'd post some of the highlights as a thank you that almost none of them will see as they likely have no clue that I even have a blog!

First up, my cake, which I had absolutely no clue I was getting until I got to work. Do the people I work with know me, or what?

I also got a card, and my traditional gigantic bag of Jolly Ranchers, which as has been publicly stated on many an occasion, are my kryptonite. I am unable to resist their multicolored, fruit flavory reign over my helpless taste buds.

Friends came through with the following assortment of badassery:

This is my PS3 controller, now sporting attachments to the L2 and R2 buttons, magically transforming them into triggers. The main reason I have always preferred shooters on Xbox is because of the triggers on back of the controller. These most definitely make playing shooters on PS3 more fun, to me anyway. I originally saw them on a friend's controller and instantly became overwhelmingly jealous. So what does she do? She goes out of her way to buy me a set of my own and then MAIL them to me. Wow is all I can say.

This is the poster from Auburn's National Championship celebration at Jordan Hare Stadium all framed up and ready to hang on one of my mostly barren walls. This is a beautiful poster, and I'm really looking forward to hanging it up to rub in the faces of any Bammers who may find themselves visiting my humble abode.

This is one of my most favorite gifts ever, a Neal Adams Batman print. We all know Neal is my all-time favorite Batman artist, so anything by him is an absolute perfect gift for yours truly. As you can see, I don't have a frame for it yet, but you can bet I will have one soon, and this will be on permanent display in the Batcave.

Next up, yet another achilles heel of mine, t-shirts! I have enough to clothe a third world country, and yet I STILL don't have enough. This first one is so me, that I don't even think anybody else ever needs to have one. There should only be this one, and it is mine.

Now if I only had a mask to wear with it....

And the gift that my wonderful children picked out for me rounds out the t-shirt category. Again, this one is so me, and even goes a long way towards proving that maybe my kids really are listening sometimes.

So this is the front, which obviously asks the question "Have you seen my zombie?" To which a person is supposed to respond "Why no, I haven't seen your zombie." At which point you pull the shirt up over your head to reveal this:

And then you growl and make zombie noises and such, thus hilarity ensues.God, I love my kids.

Finally, the card, which I have to say just might be the greatest one I've every gotten. I generally get cards that make some attempt at humor about my age, and I may chuckle, or give a courtesy laugh just for the person who gave me the card, likely thinking it would be the funniest thing I'd ever seen, but this time I literally laughed out loud. 

The front, featuring a Tie-Fighter and the text "A long, long, long time ago..." and I'm thinking at this point that I know EXACTLY where this is going, so the laughter is already building up, and sure enough I open the card, the Star Wars theme starts blasting,  and there it is...

Hilarious.I also got other cards and some money from family and stuff, some of which I used to buy myself Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and oh boy is that game fun. So as you can see, turning 33 was pretty good to me. Big heartfelt THANK YOU'S to everyone who took the time to think of me and send birthday wishes, it meant a lot to me.

Appetite for Eternia

Yesterday TeeFury printed the following just for me on my birthday:

Masters of the Universe and Guns N Roses?! Thanks TeeFury! But seriously, Orko? Why Orko? What about Beast Man or Merman? Man-E-Faces? Hordak? Hell I even would've preferred Skunk-or or Moss Man to that annoying pain in the ass Orko.

The Fate of my $60

And finally, as if there was any doubt left in your mind as to whether or not this game will be worth your money, allow me to present the following trailer in which fucking TASKMASTER beats the hell out of Devil May Cry's Dante, Resident Evil's Wesker, and fucking Bionic Commando's Bionic Commando...

Movie Night - Valentine's Day Massacre

Today is not my most favorite day by any stretch of the imagination. No need to go off on a rant about this stupid excuse for a "holiday", let's just say I don't celebrate it, and leave it at that, mkay? In honor of this non-occasion, tonight I'll be doing a little rape revenge mini-marathon. This is the one "sub genre" that I truly find difficult to watch, with torture running a close second. Don't know exactly why I find rape scenes so disturbing, but I do. I mean, they're supposed to be disturbing, I get that, but they REALLY bother me. Some in the past even to the point that I've felt sick afterward. What better way to spend Valentine's Day then?

First, I'm jumping in the way back machine and revisiting a movie that I haven't seen in close to 20 years, and had absolutely no plans to ever watch again, the original I Spit on Your Grave. I just recently put myself through watching the remake, which was ok I guess, but didn't seem to bother me anywhere near as bad as this one did. I don't know if that's because I was 12 or 13 when I watched it or what, but his one has stuck with me forever, and I honestly do not look forward to rewatching some of it.

Next I'm going to reverse things, and instead of the original, I'm finally gonna  watch the remake of Last House on the Left. Wes Craven's original is one of those movies I was referring to when I said that some left me feeling sick. That damn movie is absolutely fucking twisted, and being that it hasn't been all that long since I last watched it, I'm gonna give this new one a shot. The trailer didn't look all that great to me, and the reviews weren't very good either, but maybe it will surprise me. I also understand there's a fairly ridiculous scene involving a guy's head and a microwave, and I'll stick around at least for that if nothing else.

And finally, time permitting, I will throw in my copy of Irreversible and wonder why I do this to myself, just like I did the first time I watched it. If you're not familiar with this movie, or why no human being should ever desire to watch it, I'll let google or wiki fill you in. This one is actually not a bad flick, other than the scene you probably just read about. That part is absolutely stomach turning, but the rest is pretty good. I've seen it once, and in all honesty that's probably plenty, but it's Valentine's Day, so what the hell.









That should make for one epically disturbing evening, no? I wonder why these films almost always have women as the victims who return to exact their brutal revenge? Are there any films out there that feature men who fall victim to a horny bunch of backwoods women, and eventually return to savagely murder them for their transgression? If not, there should be, and no, porn does not count. Happy VD folks!

Why I Love Chris Evans

Dead Hooker in a Trunk

That's right people, I finally got to see Dead Hooker in a Trunk! The Soska sisters were kind enough to send me a screener, and not only a screener but a signed one, and also a DHiaT sticker, all the way from Vancouver. I totally had a Dead Hooker in my mailbox all the way from Canada! Basically, they had made themselves a fan for life before I even watched the movie.

About the movie itself, I know I've talked and talked about the twisted twins here at the blog since the American Mary teaser was released late last year, and I know that all that talking might discredit any opinion I might have of DHiaT in some of your eyes as I look biased from the beginning. I assure you though, being that I'm well aware of what you often get when dipping into the indie film scene, indie horror in particular, I had hopes that the Dead Hooker would deliver the goods, but I was far from certain that I would love it.

I'm happy to report that I did love it though, and it well exceeded all my expectations for it, the indie horror scene definitely needs to take note, this is how you make a movie. Dead Hooker in a Trunk is absolutely filled with blood, brutality, dark humor, eye trauma, torture, chainsaw dismemberment, hookers and all other kinds of badassery. The Soska's are as beautiful as they are talented, and I was impressed with them both as writers/directors and actresses, as the Geek and the Badass, and oh, the Badass.... *ahem* The Hooker also managed to somehow make me even more excited for their next film, American Mary, which will star Katharine Isabelle, and oh, the Katharine Isabelle...*ahem*

Somebody far more talented than myself at writing movie snyopsis' wrote the following at imdb:

Set in beautiful Vancouver, four friends set out on an everyday errand and end up in a fight for their lives when they discover the body of a dead hooker left in their trunk. Lead by a sexy, impulsive Badass, her distant Geek twin sister, their bible thumping, Jesus loving Goody Two Shoes friend, and a chaotic, rock star Junkie pal, the group has to put aside their differences to dispose of the body before they're next. Thrown into their own personal purgatory, they face off against persistent police, a sleazy motel manager, chainsaw wielding triads, and a brutal serial killer. All the while they are followed by a mysterious Cowboy Pimp who wants to claim the corpse for his own. Will they uncover the truth behind the body and be able to stand up to their demons? Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life filled with gun fights, extreme violence, blood, guts, gore, and goats. Dead Hooker In A Trunk is the unexpected first feature film written, directed, and produced by identical twin sisters, Jen and Sylvia Soska. The two newcomers created an impossible film that is an underground sensation, destined to become a cult classic and will make you fall in love with films again!

Dead Hooker in a Trunk should finally see dvd distrubution sometime this year, and you can bet that I'll be buying a copy, and likely posting about where/how you can grab a copy for yourself. Believe me, you're going to want to do that. Spending a few dollars to support indie horror is a good thing, plus the Soska's are totally awesome ladies who are very appreciative of their fans. Out of all the blogging, tweeting, facebooking, etc. that I do toward the artists and creators of the stuff I dig, they have gone above and beyond anybody else with letting me know how much it means to them. I'm sure they do that for everybody else too, and may not realize what a big deal it is, but for me it definitely is. So here's yet another huge THANK YOU to Jen and Sylvia for my Dead Hooker, keep up the fantastic work ladies, and hurry the hell up and finish American Mary!

Infinite Playlist - One

I'm sick, so all you get today is music. But hey, at least it's one of the greatest songs ever recorded, and by far the best Metallica song ever.

Mister Bones Loves you All, Donates to the Massive Blood Drive

Hope you got your tix to the GUN SHOW!

That's right, I do. Even those of you who don't love me, it's ok, I understand. Being that I love you all, every 8 weeks I visit the Bloodmobile, parked conveniently right outside my hospital and donate some of my very precious 0+ blood. I do this just in case something happens and one of you might need it. I also do it for the free Nutter Butters, but mostly, it's the first thing.

Remember last week when I posted about The Twisted Twins and their annual Massive Blood Drive? Well, allow me to refresh your memory. In honor of Women in Horror Month the Soska sisters host an annual blood drive, encouraging everyone to go out and donate. If you participate, you not only get the joy of feeling good about yourself because you're helping your fellow man, or woman as the case may be, but if you send a photo, video, etc. of yourself donating, to the Soska's they have humbly offered to send you swag! Interested? Of course you are! You can click the link to my previous post above for info, or join the group on Twitter here, or hell if you STILL can't figure out what to do, drop me and line and I'll help you find info on where to go to donate in your area and such.

In all seriousness, this is a wonderful cause and something that I really do believe in doing. And if you know me at all, you know I don't believe in much anymore. Above is my donation photo, and while I don't necessarily expect the Twisted Twins to go out of their way to send me free stuff for it, all I'm saying is that if they decided to cast me as Katharine Isabelle's love interest in their upcoming film American Mary, or at least got her to send me an autograph that said something along the lines of "To Mister Bones, I love you too, and not as just a friend" well, I certainly wouldn't hold it against them.

Once again for your enjoyment, here is the Massive Blood Drive PSA video, be sure to watch until the end for an appearance from American Mary herself, Katharine Isabelle...

Random Screen Grab

Droppin' Super Science

From Superman/Batman #80

Centurion

Let me say this up front, Neil Marshall is one of the most talented directors making movies today. He could direct a movie starring Nic Cage as a homosexual University of Alabama alum turned Nascar driver who loved the New York Rangers and refused to wear pants, and I would still watch be first in line to buy a ticket. My love affair with Neil's work began with Dog Soldiers and has carried on through The Descent, Doomsday, and now Centurion.

Centurion is the story of the fabled 9th Legion of Rome, who disappeared mysteriously during Rome's attempted overtaking of Britain. The army met with some resistance Scotland in the form of a band of savage rebels known as the Picts. The 9th Legion, comprised of 3000 soldiers, commanded by Titus Flavius Virilus, entered the Scottish moors ordered to eliminate the Picts and were never heard from again.

In Centurion, Neil Marshall gives us his take on what happened to the Legion, as they are lured into a trap by a tracker who was sent to infiltrate the Legion by the Picts. Out of the 3,000 Romans in battle, only 7 survive. Virilus is captured, and Quintas Dias takes up his sword to lead the small group of survivors in an attempt to rescue their General and regroup at the Roman frontier. They have not only the weather and mountainous terrain to overcome, but also a group of Pict being lead by Etain, the tracker who previously double crossed them.

In all honesty, Centurion is probably my least favorite of Neil Marshall's movies. It's not a bad film, in fact it's pretty damn good, it's just not my cup of tea. It brings to mind movies like Gladiator and 300, both of which are fantastic movies, just not my favorite genre of movie, or era of history I suppose. Gladiator is awesome, but definitely not my favorite Ridley Scott movie, and 300 is better than awesome, but still not my favorite Zack Snyder movie, ya dig? Centurion is the same. There's a lot I like, it moves along pretty well, some beautiful camera work, lots of big battles and Neil Marshall signature gore and dismemberment. But it's swords and shields, and bows and arrows, and I prefer chainsaws and machetes, and guns and explosions.

That being said, Centurion is still a movie I would recommend to anybody. The true test of this, or any other type of movie that fits into a genre that I personally don't care for all that much, is whether or not I was entertained by it. I thought Centurion was most definitely entertaining, in fact I put it right up there against Gladiator and feel like it holds it's own. It may not have the star power of Russels Crowe or What's-his-name Phoenix, but that's part of what actually makes it better in my opinion. Sadly, you can probably find the dvd of Centurion in the dump bin at your local video place, or if you have Netflix streaming capability it's available there. Do yourself a favor and give it a look.