Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Frankenstein Theory

The tag line for this one should read: Part Troll Hunter, Part The Blair Witch Project... ALL Boring. Some lunatic is obsessed with the Frankenstein Monster, and is bound and determined to prove he exists. He finds a guide, and sets out with a crew comprised of film students into the wilderness of the Great White North to search for evidence and hopefully capture footage of the Monster.

If you're like me, and still don't completely hate found footage flicks, this might sound like it wouldn't be that bad of a way to spend an evening. If you're also like me, and decide to do so, you're going to most likely be two things: bored as shit, and totally disappointed. This one falls into the usual found footage trappings of a WHOLE lot of talk, and not a lot of action, at least up until the last couple of minutes. Here's the thing though, if you're going to make me wait for 86 of your 90 minute run time to show me even a glimpse of anything, you better make for damn sure those first 86 minutes are at least entertaining. In the case of The Frankenstein Theory, they aren't. I didn't like the characters, the dialog is awful, I felt like the movie was horribly paced, and even at the end, when you sort of get to see the Monster, he isn't particularly impressive. The poster above is about the only way to really even see him. Skip this one.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Man With the Iron Fists

I'm not a huge fan of kung-fu flicks. Overall, I tend to find them pretty silly. I mean, sure, I enjoy the fighting to an extent, but the other parts of the flicks are pretty comical most of the time. Still, I'm a sucker for things like "(Director I like) presents" on a movie poster. I'm always like, well if HE likes it, then I certainly should. Thing is though, I've been getting burned by it lately a bit (I'm looking at YOU "Del Toro presents Mama). So, did Tarantino let me down with The Man With the Iron Fists? Kinda.

I normally talk about plot in the second paragraph, so here it is: The Emperor's gold gets stolen and a bunch of dudes fight over it.

At first glance, you might think maybe this flick is going to surprise you and end up being decent. The opening sequence is pretty dope, with some nice kung-fu-ery and some over the top gore. Limbs flying all over the place, and copious amounts of blood spraying this way and that, it's kinda great. Then the opening credits finish, and well, the rest of the movie happens.

My plot synopsis paragraph was intentionally short, here's what it would've read like had I not decided to keep it simple: The small village named Jungle Village is a hotbed of criminal activity, with rival gangs like The Lion Clan and the Wolf Clan constantly fighting with one another. Jungle Village also has one black smith who keeps to himself, forging weapons for all the various clans. The Emperor, in his obvious infinte wisdom, has gold he needs delivered to the north for some reason I can't remember, and he decides that not only does he want the gold to stay overnight in Jungle Village, but he wants the Lion Clan to guard it for him. Of course things go to shit, and everybody and their brother is after it. People like the Englishman, Jack Knife, Brass Body, Zen-Yi the X-Blade, and so on and so forth. There's also some shit about somebody betraying somebody and then this dude has to exact some revenge for his father's death. Then Lucy Liu, aaaaand roll credits.

If you're thinking it sounds like it was written by a third grader, you're on the right track. Not a third grader though, the aforementioned blacksmith, whose name is Blacksmith, is played by former Wu-Tang Clan rapper RZA, who also the writer/director. The Man With the Iron Fists plays like a 90 minute music video with one hell of a fight choreographer. I'm not sure if the acting is really that bad, or if it's the script, but the best way I can explain how ridiculously stupid it sounded is it was like watching an English dubbed version of a kung-fu flick, except sadly, the mouth movements matched the dialog. I hope that makes sense. How anybody convinced Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu to actually be in this I will never know. Batista on the other hand makes perfect sense.

I suppose some people might dig the fighting and all the over the top blood and gore, but I couldn't get past the dialog and story. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that RZA wrote this R rated episode of Power Rangers with a crayon in one hand and a blunt in the other.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Infinite Playlist - I'm going to see Otep!

Braving the mean streets of the ATL once again tonight for my first time seeing Otep in concert. I've been a fan since Sevas Tra way back in the day. Excited is ME!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Friday Night Drive-In

Oh how I desperately want the Cabal Cut of this movie to get released over here already. I need this movie on bluray in my life. The fact that this film hasn't already gotten some sort of a big dvd or bluray release, packed with all sorts of extra goodies and whatnot, defies any logic that I can comprehend. I literally have never heard anyone who's seen it say they didn't like it. My Drive-In is taking us on a one way trip to Midian this week kids, let's all play nice with the monsters...

"Everything is true. God is an astronaut, Oz is over the rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters live."

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Silent Hill Revelation

The first Silent Hill was basically either loved or hated by most. It was, in my opinion, a successful movie adaptation of the game series, that had enough originality to stand on it's own as an entry into the mythos, but at the same time had plenty of nods to the games themselves. Recently (see my last Movie Night post) I finally got a chance to check out the sequel, Revelation, and while it was lots of fun and had more action and monsters than the first movie did, if I'm being completely honest, I was a little disappointed.

Revelation is a direct sequel to the original Silent Hill, picking up with Harry and his daughter having somehow escaped the town, but on the run and in hiding from not only the creatures that inhabit Silent Hill, but The Order as well. Heather/Sharon/Alessa/Whoeverthefuck is in yet another high school, and is yet again plagued by high school kids, and visions of the hellish nightmare town that has plagued her since childhood; faceless nurses, evil mannequins, and your favorite and mine, Pyramid Head! When her father turns up missing, Heather descends once again into Silent Hill in a desperate attempt to save him.

So here's the thing with isn't bad, far from it. Fans of Silent Hill will most likely find at least something to like. That being said, this time around, I kinda saw the point of everyone who panned the original for it's obviously "video game based dialog". I didn't see it as much in the original, but the delivery of almost every line in Revelation felt hokey to me. The characters all sounded like they were reading off of cue cards or something. I don't know if the script itself was the problem, or if it was just bad acting, but it was noticeable and it bothered me.

The rest I liked though, the aforementioned creatures were all pretty cool, and the movie was never boring. If anything, it moved along at such a fast pace that the ending felt a bit abrupt. There's a lot, LOT, of story that was presented in the first film alone, let alone the rest of the Silent Hill mythos, and while this was a sequel, it felt more like Silent Hill lite. Diet Silent Hill, if you will. Silent Hill 10, with all the taste of a Silent Hill, but only 10 calories, meant for men, not women.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

KILL Destroyer

Remember when I mentioned that Fright Rags was doing a limited edition Freddy vs Jason shirt? Yeah, well that's available for pre-order now, so don't forget to get yourself one if you so desire. While you're there though, you just might notice something that's a bit more badass than the FvJ shirt, a brand new design from an amazing artist named Jason Edmiston, KILL Destroyers. Dude's art is nothing short of phenomenal, and while I don't particularly give a fuck either way about KISS, I can't deny that this shirt is just badassery on a level that most t-shirts never even come close to attaining.

KILL Destroyers is also available for pre-order but isn't a limited edition, so it's a regular priced shirt. It's also available for pre-order now, as well as a few other new designs at the site. Quality, customer service, and all sorts of other things that make companies worth your hard earned monies, Fright Rags is all of these an more. Do yourself a favor and order a shirt, hell order two! I'm filling my closet with them.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Movie Night - The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Silence

As per tradition, it's time for my birthday movie/Chinese food celebration with my bestie, Linde. Of course we're a month late, but work/travel/etc. have forced our hands this year. One of the many, many things she and I have in common is a love for the Silent Hill frachise, be it film, video game, or literature. Up until today, I've had the bluray of Silent Hill Revelation sitting on my shelf calling out to me, desperate to be viewed time and time again, but I've somehow managed to resist. After missing it in theaters, I wanted to watch it for the first time as a part of my birthday movie night double feature celebration. Tonight I intend to do just that!

I know a lot of people didn't care for this adaptation of the video games, but I think it's pretty much perfect. Or at least as good of a film version of Silent Hill as we're likely to ever get. Most of the imagery is spot-on, the creatures look great, and even with the slightly hokey dialogue and convoluted plot, it feels exactly like watching a live action Silent Hill game play out. I think it was a good move on the creators part to not attempt to tell the exact same story, as part of what makes the Silent Hill games so great is getting to see different characters, and their experiences inside the Hell that is the town itself. There's always something that connects each story to what's come before, but they can also be enjoyed and exist completely on their own. It's been a year or so since I've seen this one, looking forward to revisiting.

Immediately following, I'm finally going to break out my Revelation bluray! Oh the excitement, oh the anticipation... I can't wait. I've stayed away for the most part from reviews and what not. I've seen a trailer or two, and seen some scores, most of which were average at best, but I have every confidence that I'm going to enjoy this movie more than most people did, just based on my love of the source material. Silent Hill is my favorite video game franchise, after all. I'm hoping I have time tomorrow to post my thoughts on the movie, stay tuned!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Valiant goes 8bit

If you've read any of these Fresh Ink posts, you may already know that I've been absolutely floored by how great every single book Valiant has published since the company's rebirth last year. I read every single title they make, X-O Manowar, Bloodshot, Harbinger, Archer and Armstrong, and Shadowman. Currently Valiant is preparing for it's first big "event" story, Harbinger Wars. Looks like Bloodshot and the kids in Harbinger are gonna be taking it to Project Rising Spirit.

In what has to be the freakin coolest promo in comic book history, Valiant has teamed with Storm City Entertainment to release a free 8bit side scrolling game for mobile devices to coincide with the release of the first issue of Harbinger Wars! BAD.ASS. Check out this story for the details.

That's not all though! Also in June, Valiant is gonna keep the 8bit love going with special variant covers for all their books, done in the style of 8bit art. These are so awesome I can hardly stand it. I especially love the Contra influenced Bloodshot, and Double Dragon influenced Harbinger covers. I'm of course going to be buying them all though...

Marvel and DC may dominate the sales charts every month, but folks, believe me when I tell you that nobody is consistently putting out quality like Valiant. Dark Horse comes the closest, and Valiant's looking at the in the rear view mirror too. Things like this make me love the company even more. I've been a fan of these characters since their original introduction way back in the mid 90's, and while they eventually went astray and Valiant folded, I have every confidence that with the new management in place, we're going to be enjoying our Valiant comics for years to come, and I, for one, can't wait to see what they do next.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

Let's see how many times I call this one Molly Hatchet before I'm done. So I just came across this browsing Netflix last night. I think I may  have heard about it before, but I didn't keep up with it. It wasn't until I saw "starring Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris" that I decided I would give it a watch. I'm glad I did too, while Mary Hatchet isn't a particularly original, or even well made movie, it still manages to be good fun. Maybe I was just in the mood for something light, I dunno, but I laughed my ass off.

Blood Night is the name a small town has given to the day that an escaped mental patient who commited several murders, Mary Hatchet, was caught and killed. Turns out as a child, one stormy night Mary just up and murdered her parents with scissors, which is what landed her in the mental institution. Fast forward to her in her twenties, and she gets a visit from an overweight, creepy orderly who's feeling all rapey. Mary is told that the baby dies during birth, and then snaps and goes on a murder spree.

So that's the backstory we're given on the title character. The movie then shifts to present day, and a bunch of high schoolers are planning their Blood Night shenanigans. Ouija boards by Mary's grave, toilet papering houses, egging people, etc. Lots of "Halloween-centric" goings on. Being that they're teenagers, there's also drinking and pre-martial sex aplenty. Eventually, the kids start getting killed off in fairly brutal fashion. It appears that Mary Hatchet has returned to do a little Blood Night celebrating of her own.

Here's the thing about Blood Night, I'm not sure if the people responsible for it were attempting to create an homage to 80's slashers, but that's exactly what they ended up with. It's predictable to the point that I'm willing to say that if you don't figure out what's going on the second Danielle Harris appears on screen, then you've probably never watched a movie before. The kills are all pretty gory, and the effects were mostly practical. Make-up is good, copious amounts of blood, heads being split open, all that kind of fun stuff. There's plenty of nudity, an entire house full of cliched characters, and the town apparently only has one or two adults, one of whom is the alcoholic Vietnam war vet, who works as a caretaker in the cemetary, played by Bill Moseley. So see? It's an 80's movie, only it was made now.

If you've got Netflix and 80 minutes or so to kill, I'd recommend giving Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet a shot. It won't be for everybody, but if you're in the mood for some mindless entertainment, filled with boobs, blood, and a body count, you could do a lot worse.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Fright Rags Limited Freddy vs Jason shirt

Once again, Fright Rags will be claiming a portion of my limited income, when this limited edition beauty becomes available for pre-order. Starting next Saturday, March 16th, you'll have an entire week to ensure that you add this gorgeous design, celebrating the 10th anniversary of Freddy vs Jason, ends up in your closet. Check out the Fright Rags website for details...

Friday, March 8, 2013

Friday Night Drive-In

In the Batcave, we don't really "do" westerns. Occasionally though, one comes along that's so damn good, it's impossible to ignore. Case in point tonight's feature. Friends, believe me when I tell you that while it may have been Top Gun that made me love Val Kilmer, it was this movie that made me worship at the man's feet. Oh, if only he could somehow manage to return to the glory days of performances such as his Doc Holiday in Tombstone...

"I'm your huckleberry."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I wanted to see Compliance for one reason, Pat Healey. I thought he was great in The Innkeepers, and he's an entertainingly cynical cat on Twitter, so I figured, might as well check out his next flick. Well, it's on Netflix now, unbeknownst to me until a couple days ago, so I gave it a watch. 

In a nutshell, Compliance is a movie based on true events, in which a manager at a fast food joint gets a random call from a person claiming to be from the police department, regarding a possible theft by an employee earlier that day. The man on the phone begins to make one strange request after another, having the manager (Ann Dowd) search her employee, a young girl who works a register out front (Dreama Walker), among other things. While she isn't particularly comfortable with what she's being asked to do, the man on the phone insists that she comply, otherwise she would be guilty of obstruction of justice.

Ok, so here's the thing with Compliance. Who falls for this shit?! How stupid are these people? It's not that it's a bad movie, it's just that I can't fathom there's anybody this stupid, let alone a group of people who would allow themselves to be caught up in this. People, I'm probably more afraid of incarceration than anybody else you've ever known. I know what happens to people like me in prison, and well, I wouldn't enjoy any of that, so I'm not going to be doing anything that may land me in trouble with the authorities. That being said, if I was a manager somewhere, and an adult, there's no way in Hell I would ask a teenage employee to remove their clothes so I could search them just because a guy on the phone told me he was a cop, and it was ok if I did it. The fuck? 

As for the reason I was interested to begin with, Pat Healey plays the guy on the phone impersonating thut e policeman, so he mainly exists as a somewhat monotone voice on a phone. I suppose he does a decent enough job, but as the voice of a creeper, it's hard to say I enjoyed his performance. 

Compliance does it's best to convey a feeling of uneasiness, but It's just such an unbelievable situation that I couldn't get in to the movie at all. I guess these morons exist, but well, so do the morons on Honey BooBoo, and I don't watch that shit either.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Bat Country

Man, Nowhere Bad is killing it lately. One great shirt after another. This one will only be around for a couple days, get yours before it's gone...

Saturday, March 2, 2013


If Batman won't do something about the senseless murder of puppies and kittens, HE WILL.

Friday, March 1, 2013