Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Mister Bones' Top 5

Today I continue to express my hatred for Stephen Sommers' mockery of a GI Joe movie in a Top 5 post similar to my Revenge of the Fallen Top 5, only this time there aren't five things that I actually liked. FYI there will be some spoilers here, but this movie basically spoiled my life for a couple of hours, so I don't feel sorry for any of you who read something here that you didn't want to know before attempting to watch this bullshit for yourselves.

Top 5 Reasons Why I Hated the GI Joe Movie




5. Exo-Suits - The great thing about GI Joe is the diversity of the roster. You've basically got a group of these elite soldiers representing every imaginable specialty from each branch of the military. Yes, in an effort to milk more money from our parents, after a while most of the toys just became silly, but for who they used in the movie, having them wear something that was at the very least recognizable would've been nice. Instead we get exo-suits, which were not only poorly animated, but looked fucking stupid. Look at this, even the toy doesn't look happy to be wearing it:



4. Cobra - So I realize this was supposed to be the "origin" of Cobra, but come on. Where were the dudes in blue helmets and ninja masks? What the fuck were those "vipers" that they injected with snake venom? Destro sucked, Cobra Commander REALLY sucked, and you will hear more about Stormshadow later down the list. The only one who was even remotely close in both appearance and character was Baroness, and well it was Baroness. I can't believe we were expected to actually take this collective group of stupidity seriously as any kind of a threat to national security whatsoever.



3. Duke, and The mannequin that was supposed to be Duke - Jesus where did they find this fucking guy? This dude takes bad acting to an entirely new level. Seriously I've seen machinery show more emotion. The fucking boom mic is a better actor than this guy.

For a guy who is supposed to be the field leader of an elite military anti-terrorism force, Duke is quite the fuck-up. How many flashback sequences did he have to missions that he fucked up? I think I lost count somewhere around 12. He did countless stupid things in this movie. Then there was the ridiculous shared history between he and the guy who ended up being what passed for Cobra Commander. My God how do you ruin a character who has been well-established for the past 30 years or so this badly?



2. Stormshadow, the trench coat wearing pussy - Show of hands, how many of you have ever seen a ninja wearing a trench coat? Me neither. Most of the movie, he walked around in an all white 3-piece suit looking like some kind of Asian cologne ad model, and when he did don his signature white ninja costume, he looked like a fucking Empirial Snowtrooper from the Hoth battle.

Seriously, does this:



look even remotly close to anything that resembles this in any way:



FUCK NO.


1. Snake-lips - Remember how exciting it was that Ray Park was cast to play Snake-Eyes? How perfect that seemed, and how you had hope that this clusterfuck might actually turn out to be decent? Yeah, I did the same. Well friends that all went out the window the first time Snake stepped into the light and was sporting FUCKING LIPS ON HIS MASK. Oh my Jesus how fucking retarded is that? If he had spoken even so much as a mumble, I was organizing a lynching. Fuck Snake-Lips, and fuck this stupid ass movie.



And I could go on and on. I didn't even touch on Marlon Wayans, or the nationality and racial change for Heavy Duty. Hell my brother pointed out something that I initally missed, Brendan Fraser actually make a cameo in this movie, and when I went to IMDB for verification, he's listed an un-credited. This makes me think that Brendan initally signed on because he thought it would be fun to be a part of this, then after seeing the end result asked that he be removed from ever being recognized for any contribution to it.

Stephen Sommers has officially passed Joel Schumaker in my eyes as the world's second-worst filmmaker. It's going to take a herculean effort to oust Uwe Boll from the top spot, but I've got faith in ya Stevie! Why not go after a Bat-flick next? That's sure to do the trick.

1 comment:

Brandon said...

Why does Snake Eyes' mask need lips? I thought he was mute. Maybe it's for drinking through a straw.

And I saw that boom mic's audition tape. Dude fucking crushed the audition but they couldn't work out the numbers.