A Soap Opera on Emo Street

So I saw the new "Nightmare" last night. Decided to give it a few hours before really commenting on it, thought it best to let the rage subside a little. Well here we are, a few hours later, and it's STILL bothering me. There is absolutely nothing good I have to say about this movie. Nothing. It was boring, lazily done, cliched, borrowed heavily from the original as well as other movies, had not ONE interesting or likable character, and overall was really just insulting not only to the original Nightmare but those of us who love it as well.

The cast was abysmal, including Haley. The teens were your standard fare, jocks/popular kids or the emo/artsy/non-conformist ipod listeners. There was not a single character that I had any interest in whatsoever, or even remotely gave a fuck about in the least. They were all incredibly stupid, they all did the whole "whisper for effect" thing when they talked, and none of them even had the decency to die in a cool way. I can't say for sure, but I even think one of the emo kids was a Twilight fag. He never went out in daylight, and thus never sparkled, and as I can't be bothered to actually go to imdb and check, all I'm left with is speculation.

The story is boring, the script is lazy and full of holes, and it seemed to me like every time this directionless mess needed a little something to wake up the audience it just borrowed something from the original. Nightmare sequences happened at any given moment, but lasted only about 10-15 seconds in most cases and absolutely nothing interesting happened. In one scene the emo kid even manages to have a nightmare while SWIMMING. He fell asleep SWIMMING.

Avoid this part if you don't want the "origin" of Freddy in this one spoiled for ya. For those still reading, did anybody else have as much of a problem with Freddy being a child molester in this one instead of a child murderer? I did, that bothered me big time. Not sure what it says about me, but that's how I felt about it. And forgive me, maybe I'm grossly uneducated on the subject, but do most preschools have gardeners living in the basement? I'm pretty sure the one my son attends doesn't have a creepy gardener living there. Maybe I should check into it.

To say this is the worst of the "re-imaginings" is an understatement. It's easily the worst of the bunch, which is disappointing on an astronomical level for me. Aside from Jason, Freddy has always been a personal favorite of mine. Those who know me, know this to be true. I love the series, I even liked Freddy vs Jason, and I was genuinely excited about this movie after enjoying, at least to some degree, the revamps of Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Jason. Way to drop the ball on Freddy you fuckers. Bottom line, I can't imagine how anybody who's ever seen the original could find anything to like here, and I swear I'd love to go "the ending of Jay and Bob Strike Back" on anybody on the internet who claims this one is superior.

I did see it with a fellow Elm Street enthusiast, and she didn't like it any better than I did, if nothing else I at least had fun trashing the entire movie with her. So the evening wasn't an entire waste. When I got home I put in my Blu-Ray of the real Nightmare on Elm Street just to make myself feel better. I recommend you not follow in my footsteps by seeing the new one first, and just skip to this last step. You'll thank me later.