Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Do Not Disturb (Or "Why Does Bill Hate Me?")

I, like most of the Xbox playing world, have been spending quite a bit of time with Left 4 Dead since it's release back in November. Oh yes, two Left 4 Dead posts in a row. It's quite a bit of fun too, but I've got a bit of a beef going with one of the survivors from the game as my Valentine post yesterday no doubt clued some of you in to.

That's right, I'm talking about Bill. Bill, the gun toting, trigger-happy, witch startling simpleton. For some reason this moron absolutely refuses to bypass a witch without startling her. For those not in the know, witches are these majestic creatures found curled in a ball sitting on the floor weeping. When you happen upon one, your best course of action is to switch off your flashlight, crouch low and proceed about your merry way, moving as far in the opposite direction from her as possible. Those unfortunate enough to disturb one will quickly find themselves incapacitated as she wails upon them with her Kreuger-esque nails in a blood frenzy that would make Wolverine shy away.

Of course there's an achievement tied to getting through a campaign (all 5 levels of a scenario) without startling a one of them, and I've been trying to get said achievement for a couple of months. Statistically it should've happened on accident by now, and I've been this close on several occasions. If not for the actions of Bill, or OBB (Old Bearded Bastard) as I've taken to calling him, I would've experienced that rewarding "pop" sound and added the 20 points to my gamerscore long ago. What really grinds my gears is that he frequently waits until the middle or end of the fourth of five levels to startle one. I've gone all "tourette syndrome" on him on several occasions. I honestly have no idea what I could've done to wrong Bill so, but the OBB truly hates me.

"Silly Bones, Left 4 Dead is meant to be experienced in co-op with 3 of your buddies over Xbox Live, and it makes the achievements child's play" you say? Well I wouldn't know about any of that as my internet connection has been dropping me after about 3-5 minutes of play time since before Christmas. Seriously, to call Knology's internet service retarded is awarding it an undeserved compliment. So while the game might be more fun with friends, unless 3 of you want to bring your Xboxes, televisions, and copies of the game over to the Batcave, I'm stuck with achievement hunting with the incredibly stupid AI, including OBB and his stupid fucking beret and never-ending Winston hanging from his crusty, wrinkled old face.

So tomorrow I'll try it again, and will no doubt fall victim to Bill and his witch disturbing fetish, probably just before entering the gate 2A safe room in the airport, forcing me to spew obscenities like an extra from a Judd Apatow movie. Why I do this type of thing to myself, I may never know. What I do know is that when I finally do get that 20 points, I will spend the remainder of my time with Left 4 Dead in expert mode, repeatedly mowing OBB down with my Mac 10, only to heal him and start all over again. Oh the fun I'll have.

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